so sadness is creeping back, and i hate it, it's for the stupidest reasons...i think i'm beginning to love him, or at least really, really like him. and i guess that's the problem...it makes me vulnerable? and so when he says "i'll call when i get home" and instead I see he's online and then i get a delayed response, that bothers me. or how he used to answer my e-mails right away and now they're slow, if they come at all. but he does call me when he wakes up, and did say seeing him on new year's made his night...is he telling the truth? i believe that he is, it's just tough being in a relationship where the guy doesn't just head-over-heels adore me like my last. not that i liked that relationship, but i just hate the uncertainty, not knowing how he feels, not even knowing if you're my boyfriend or not?!?! and i'm not usually one to crave definition, so why now? is it because he's someone who can stand up to me? someone i don't have control over? is that why i am always the one to commute? and i want to refuse to drive into town, not be the one to e-mail or call, but i also don't want to play games, dammit.... posted by Josie 11:15 PM . . .
depression not so likely, just anxiety and a mixture of apathy and hopelessness....one probably caused by the other. THINGS TO R E M E M B E R: - you have a job - your friends will always love you - your family, the greatest family in the world, will always love you - you've got your looks and, sad but true, it is possible to get by on one's looks - you've got God, truly the source of everything, realise it more often - you're highly intelligent, regardless of what your grades may say never lose your smile, remember, it's award winning ;) posted by Josie 1:07 AM . . .
ok, depression is slightly staved, but still lurking. eric has responded and we talked tonigth for like an hour. we always talk for about an hour and i feel like we could talk longer, much longer. i see serious potential here, this could be great. but bad right now, because i'm getting a huge crush/obsession with/on him. can't stop thinking about him, just want to run up and kiss him when i see him. i hope he's cute, oh, i hope he's really cute. because sometimes the memory provides flattering results, not always 100% accurate. i just want to talk to him all the time, he's so great, sooooooo great. wouldn't this be odd, if he were the one? oh yes, so funny, wonder if everyone would find out how we met. wonder if he caresi f we keep it a secret, wonder if i'll always feel the need to keep it a secret. ooh, hate homework, hate school. can't wait to end this semester. at which piont i will, 1. get to bed at a reasonable hour, 2. workout regularly, 3. study, study, study, 4. have a social life, 5. volunteer, 6. get stuff done for my hall, on time, 7. be a kinder, more gentler person....will it work? only time will tell. should get back to work now, it's only 11 and i'm already tired, not a good sign! posted by Josie 11:09 PM . . .
depression has returned, along with anxiety and i'm expecting the arrival of heart palpitations any second now. no replies, from eric or mystery gorgeous guy. i did, however, put out pictures next to each other in that stupid paint program and we did look awfully cute together...ahh...of course, and now he'll enver respond. anyway. AC and i decided that as of dec. 9th, 2011, we damn well better be rich and happy, and able to laugh our asses off at times like this. if not, all hell will break loose. i think things would be better ifi had a boyfriend, i'd be happier, totally, and i'd have to get stuff done, so we could hang out together...yeah, it'd just be better. so i'mjealous of l. for having a., even though i love her and she deserves it. and way jealous of suzy for doing better in class tahn i am, because i know i'm smarter than her, dammit. ...ah, life still sucking, hours later, nothing accomplished. what the fuck!?!? posted by Josie 11:34 PM . . .
ahhh...slacker, completely slacking.and waiting in anxious anticipation for my mailbox to cry out "you've got mail", either a response from eric or my new found infatuation. the new one is soooooo cute, and well, fabulous on paper. maybe i should have tried this thing long ago. there's no reply yet, maybe no interest? or maybe they're just both busy, don't sit at home all day staring at their computer. i can't wait to graduate, get a job, and do something with my time other than sit around and wait for e-mails. egad my life sucks. --- j o s i e posted by Josie 5:01 PM . . .
so, maybe the depression is melting away? school still sucks, can't concentrate, can't study,c an't write. but eric is helping things. i so hope he turns out to be as wonderful as i've imagined him to be. he has so much potential, he could be just what i've been wanting. ok, so not the math part, but he's awfully sweet....and close to his mom, gasp, so great. and taller, and has a great job and a degree and can make mixed drinks. and seems funny, sarcasm is always great. ooh.. i hope i'm not working him up. more later, posted by Josie 11:41 PM . . .
depression continues. i am so unhappy today. can't remember being this u n h a p p y. hate it. less than 2 weeks, it will be ok. amcexams$gymaptpeacetvok....breath posted by Josie 11:58 PM . . .
depression....depression.....i'm hating life. big time. what else is new??? i wish i wasn't such a slacker, such a procrastinator, why can't i learn not to do that?!?!? i hate j.d. for leaving, 1. because i miss him, i love him, really i do. 2. abstract would be easier if he were here, has to be, 3. sr. essay would be easier if he were here, hand down, hh sucks...but i still like him, but not so much as a teacher. so, yeah, feeling hatred for ppl. i love, well, person i love. and huge amounts of love for everyone else. called my entire family and basically asked, "do you love me??" "would you still love me if I failed??" used to ask my x-boyfriend that....it kept me sane. i miss him, sometimes. mainly just miss having someone there, someone i loved, who loved me, no matter what. why can't i find that anymore?? ok, going to try and step out of depression for the next few hours and finish this damn thing. sad when i'm wishing for a natural disastre or traumatic event as an excuse.....remember, you are loved, and this doesn't matter. you'll get a job, you already have a job, they like you, you like them, it's easy, you can wear what you want, you get a free membership, and after that job, no one will care what your gpa is/was. breath.. posted by Josie 10:21 PM . . .
